Every marriage has its ups and downs, but if yours is beginning to affect your mental and physical health, it may be time to reconsider if it’s the perfect fit for you. “A person will feel some symptoms of anxiety or sadness if they stay in any long-term relationship in which their needs are grossly undermet,” says marriage therapist Virginia Williamson.

Virginia Williamson is the founder of Collaborative Counseling Group in Fairfield, Connecticut, and is a licensed marital and family therapist.

Though each person’s symptoms vary, anxiety can emerge as gastrointestinal troubles, chest heaviness, or heart palpitations, while depression can manifest as weight gain or unexplained tiredness, according to Williamson. While all relationships have their ups and downs, having these feelings—and their physical manifestations—for an extended period of time could indicate that something more serious is wrong.

Continue reading to learn more about the warning signs of a terrible marriage and what to do if you’re in one.

Signs of a Bad Marriage

Every marriage is different, but there are a few telltale signs that a relationship is moving into an unhealthy place.

You Feel Contempt for Your Partner

This intense dislike or disgust is distinct from being irritated by certain behaviors in specific contexts. Regardless of the circumstances, it frequently involves eye-rolling and puffing in conversation, as well as rejecting or invalidating practically all of what the other person has to say. “At its worst, disdain appears to be one or both partners crawling out of their skin because they have to be in one other’s company, and it’s evident they can’t perceive a single nice thing in each other,” Williamson adds.

Your Partner Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself

“Researcher John Gottman, who has studied couple interactions for many years, suggests that in good relationships, there should be five pleasant encounters for every one negative interaction,” Williamson explains. If you’re feeling particularly down on yourself in your marriage, she recommends first doing your own work to figure out what’s being caused directly by your partner and what’s being caused by external stresses (such as past trauma or persistent concerns from previous relationships).

You Feel Controlled by Your Partner

“Both partners should be able to influence the other’s perspective in a healthy relationship, and each partner should be open to the other’s influence safely,” Williamson says. “Your spouse should be able to assist you in seeing things from their perspective, and you should then have the freedom to change or maintain your opinion, and vice versa.” If your spouse restricts your options or manipulates your decisions, it’s a sign they don’t see you as a partner.

You Stay Only to Minimize Negative Impacts on Your Family

“It’s natural to consider how people will react to your decision,” Williamson says, “but it shouldn’t be at the top of the list of what keeps you there.” If you stay in your marriage to protect your family, children, or even your partner from negative consequences, you’re not taking care of yourself—and that might manifest in ways that are much more unpleasant for those you’re attempting to protect down the road. “The bottom line is that if you have to convince yourself of reasons to stay for an extended period of time, it’s time to consider the prospect of what it means to go,” Williamson adds.

You Might Be Having an Emotional Affair 

While seeking affirmation and connection outside of your marriage is perfectly normal (and healthy! ), it’s critical to keep polite limits with your spouse. “If you feel you have to repeatedly hide your interactions with the person you are venting to, if you find yourself spending a significant amount of time and mental energy on that person, or if you are de-prioritizing your marriage in order to make more room for this person in your life,” Williamson says, these are all signs of an emotional affair.

When seeking connection outside of your marriage becomes more important than finding it within it, it’s an indication that your relationship isn’t providing you with the atmosphere you need to thrive.